Sentence is too lengthy.
Sentence has too many details (i.e jumbled)
The structure of the sentence is not planned.
All in all, parallelism should really be avoided.
Plan a structure and an argument. I like to use SEQUEL. This is an amazing structure. You could also use TACO. But SEQUEL is the BEST of them all. You would be able to avoid parallelism. Your essay will be short and punchy. Straight to the point. Could pull an easy EXCELLENCE
Hope this helped :)